


Feel It in My Soul

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:40:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26254312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: As it turns out, losing his soulmark is the second-best thing that would ever happen to Simon because it allows him to be fully open to the idea of developing serious feelings for someone who doesn’t share, or doesn’t even have, a mark.Someone like Raphael Santiago.
Relationships: Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago
Comments: 12
Kudos: 128





	Feel It in My Soul

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TobytheWise](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TobytheWise/gifts).



Losing his soulmark was the second-best thing to happen to Simon Lewis, though it didn’t feel that way at the time.

Soulmates aren’t a thing in the Shadow World. Something about the supernatural properties of the blood must override the mark because not a single Nephilim, vampire, werewolf, warlock, or Seelie has one. 

When Clary finds out she’s a Shadowhunter it explains her lack of a soulmark at birth, something she assumed meant she was destined to never fall in love and often lamented to Simon over. 

When Simon claws free of his own shallow grave the change he’s most distraught over is the loss of the abstract, crescent moon-shaped mark on his arm. He knows it’s ridiculous given everything else happening in his life just then, but it feels like he lost a part of his identity. He wonders if he lost the connection to his soulmate, too. He certainly doesn’t expect to find them now, even if he hasn’t. 

It isn’t all tragedy, however. Losing his soulmark has surprising positives, such as allowing him to be fully open to the idea of developing serious feelings for someone who doesn’t share, or doesn’t even have, a mark. 

Someone like Raphael Santiago. 

At first, Simon thinks what he feels is gratitude - gratitude for Raphael not leaving him to die, for taking him in and teaching him the ropes, for protecting him. It isn’t long before Simon admits to himself it’s more than that; he misses Raphael when they’re apart, misses the Dumort which, at some point along the way, shifts from a place Simon _has_ to be to a place he _wants_ to be. 

There are moments Simon thinks that Raphael has feelings for him too, but they’re always fleeting, gone as quickly as they happen, leaving Simon with nothing but constant doubt. 

That is, until the day Simon messes up and ends up nearly dying, but forever this time. It’s a stupid mistake, being out alone and letting himself get cornered by a few Clave loyalists who don’t like the idea of a Daylighter existing in their world. Clary and Alec show up just in time to save his life, but it’s in Raphael’s bed at the Dumort that Simon wakes up a day later. It’s Raphael’s voice that wakes him, Raphael’s face that greets him. 

“You need to wake up,” Raphael’s words reach Simon through the darkness of his unconsciousness. They’re soft, reverent, half-pleading and half-prayer; they sound like words being spoken for the 100th time. “I need you _,_ Simon. I don’t want to lose you _..._ ” 

It takes a lot of effort for Simon to force his eyes open. “Can’t… get rid of me… that easily,” he manages, his throat dry and strained. 

Raphael nearly jumps up from the chair next to the bed, surprised but relieved. No, it’s more than just relief… Raphael looks happy. 

_Happy_. Simon can’t remember the last time he saw actual _joy_ on Raphael’s face, but it’s there now, and _he put it there,_ simply by being alive. 

“I should’ve known better,” Raphael says. He tries to control his features back to something neutral but even the sarcastic words hold a fondness to them. 

Simon considers all the things he can say at this moment: about what happened to him, about what he just heard Raphael say, about all the moments before Simon reflects on with new meaning. He doesn’t say any of it. What comes out is: 

“I need you, too.”

Raphael looks surprised, hesitates for a moment, then nods once. 

An acknowledgment. An admission, or as close to one as Simon’s going to get just then. 

He’ll take it. 

\---

There’s no doubt in Simon’s mind that he loves Raphael. It’s clear the moment he risks his life to go undercover and rescue him. The fear Simon feels over not knowing whether he’s safe, whether he’s even alive, leaves no room for doubt. 

When Simon finds Raphael standing in the sunlight, now entirely human, the relief at finding him _alive_ is all Simon has time to process. 

Raphael’s new mortality only really hits Simon after Raphael turns down an offer from the Clan to turn him back into a vampire and give him his title back. Simon isn’t surprised at Raphael’s decision, but he’s surprised how _real_ this makes it feel, and how much it feels almost like a death sentence. 

“Are you upset?” Raphael asks Simon, who has his head on Raphael’s chest to listen to his heartbeat while they lounge on the sofa. They just got back from the Dumort a few minutes ago, the conversation with Lily and the others still fresh in his mind so that he doesn’t have to ask what Raphael’s referencing. 

“Of course not,” Simon says. He isn’t, not really. He wants Raphael to be happy, and if this is what’s best for him then Simon supports it 100%. He is, however, also a little distraught that the eternity he thought the two of them would share has now turned into an eternity for one. “If this is what you want then it’s what I want for you. I just want you to be happy, Raphael.” 

“I am,” Raphael admits. 

As far as Simon’s concerned, that settles it. 

“Then so I am,” Simon reassures him. Raphael reaches a hand over to lace his fingers through Simon’s and gives them a quick squeeze in thanks. 

Then, after a moment of contented silence, the sound of his stomach growling fills the room. “...I’m also hungry, apparently” Raphael adds, wincing at the embarrassingly loud interruption. 

Simon laughs, shifting to sit upright and giving the hand still linked in his a tug to follow as he stands. “You’re always hungry. C’mon, let’s go give that new 24-hour diner a try.” 

\---

There are a surprising amount of things to do once one is no longer a vampire, Simon learns. It isn’t as easy as saying goodbye and walking away - first, Raphael has to hand over the leadership of the Clan by appointing someone to take his place. His second in command is Lily and Simon imagines that should be an easy enough decision, but apparently there's some contention as to whether or not it should go to _Simon_ , of all people. 

Simon balks at the idea. "Absolutely not," he says. "I'm not ruthless enough... not that you were ruthless or anything, but-" Simon starts to backtrack, tripping over his words. Raphael laughs, and it makes the slight embarrassment Simon feels entirely worth it because there are few sounds Simon enjoys more than Raphael's laughter. 

It's a sound Simon hears more and more as the days go on. Everything about Raphael feels lighter now, from the way he carries himself to the way he speaks, the wonder with which he looks at simple things in the daylight he's been deprived of for so long. It's like a new appreciation for the world fills him, an almost child-like sense of wonder that Simon wishes he could bottle and keep forever. Instead, he captures it in photos and videos on his phone. 

Lily is appointed the leader of the Brooklyn Clan, as she should be, and Raphael is given permission to stay at the Dumort for however long he needs to figure out alternative arrangements for himself. Instead of offering to help him look for a place, Simon jumps two steps ahead.

"You could move in with me,” Simon offers. “I never sold my apartment when I started spending all my time with you at the Dumort..." He isn't sure why Raphael moving in with him at the apartment feels like such a bigger step than Simon essentially living with Raphael at the Dumort. Maybe because there were always other people at the hotel, plus the excuse that Simon was there because he was expected to, being a vampire and all. But this... this would be a commitment, an unmistakable step forward in their relationship.

Simon knows that it'll be an adjustment, he's afraid it might be too much too quickly, that maybe he's overstepping and Raphael will want the time alone at the start of figuring out his new life as a human. 

Simon begins to brace himself for a gentle let-down, but it’s one that never comes. 

"Alright," Raphael says, and Simon's surprised at how easy it is. There's no debating, no convincing, just an effortless acceptance Simon grows more and more used to by the day.

\---

Things are simpler without a clan to lead and a war to fight. An impressive amount of their time is spent in local restaurants while Raphael tries every new food known to mankind. Eventually, Raphael starts to make himself at home in Simon’s apartment, filling the space with a few things he takes from the Dumort and even more new things the two of them start acquiring together. 

All the while Simon does the best he can to help Raphael adjust to his new life. It wasn’t too long ago Simon was the mundane, after all. They try to go to new parks whenever they can. As simple as it is, laying in the grass on a sunny day quickly becomes one of Raphael’s favorite things to do. One day Simon plans a trip to the zoo, and others often include aimless walks around the city. Sure, Raphael’s lived here long enough to be familiar with it even if he’s only experienced most of it at night, but there’s a reason the saying is ‘the difference between night and day’. That reason is obvious in the way Raphael looks at everything around them on these walks as if he’s seeing it for the first time, even when Simon knows he isn’t. 

Simon falls a little more in love with Raphael every day. He doesn't mind making little, or sometimes huge, changes to make Raphael’s shift back to normal life as easy as possible. When Raphael admits he can't fall asleep with the streetlight that bleeds in through the curtains at night Simon immediately buys a set of blackout curtains for the bedroom. He makes sure to keep the fridge stocked with all of Raphael's new favorite foods and drinks. The smell of blood makes Raphael nauseous now so Simon keeps it in a separate mini-fridge in the spare room and does his best not to drink when Raphael is home. 

"You don't have to keep doing all these things just for me," Raphael says one day while they walk around a nearby park. The comment comes in response to Simon telling him about a vineyard an hour away he researched after Raphael mentioned once, in passing, that he was really enjoying a lot of new wines he’d been trying. 

"I know I don’t _have_ to," Simon admits. "But I want to." 

It's as simple as that. He likes spending time with Raphael. He likes watching Raphael experience new things for the first time, the way a slow, considering smile spreads across his face at a new taste he likes or the way his nose scrunches up when he tries something he hates. He loves hearing Raphael's heartbeat slows down in calm satisfaction when the sun breaks through from behind a long cloud and bathes them in warmth. 

He loves Raphael. He knows that, and even though he’s never said it out loud he’s positive Raphael knows it, too. But in this particular moment, Simon _feels_ it stronger than he ever has before. He can't imagine loving anyone the way he loves Raphael, he can't imagine there's anything he wouldn't willingly do or sacrifice for him, not that Raphael would ever ask him to. Simon doesn't need a mark on his arm to tell him what he knows in his soul to be true - that he and Raphael are meant for each other. 

"What is it?" Raphael asks, brow raised. 

"Nothing," Simon says, which is a lie because it isn't nothing. It's _everything_. But that's the problem because Simon has a lot of big, overwhelming feelings he can't quite put into words... and even if he could, the middle of the park isn't where he should say them. 

"Doesn't look like nothing," Raphael prods, just a little. 

"Just thinking about how much I love you,” Simon says. He doesn’t mean to say it. In fact, he’s positive it’s too much too soon, but it seems wrong to feel it so strongly and keep it from the person it’s meant for. “It’s okay if you don’t… you don’t have to say it back,” he adds quickly. 

Raphael stares at Simon for a moment, and then starts slowly, "I know I don't _have_ to." He's mirroring what Simon just said to him, and that realization has Simon grinning like a fool before Raphael finishes his sentence. "But I want to. I love you too, _mi sol_." 

Living up to Raphael’s nickname for him, Simon is pretty sure he's beaming brighter than the sun itself for the rest of their walk. 

\---

Simon can’t remember the last time he saw Raphael with a tank top on. The New York fall has been colder than usual, and with Raphael adjusting to feeling temperatures with his human body it’s been all suits and dress shirts, and even long-sleeved pajamas to bed under Simon’s thick comforter. 

Today, however, the sun is blazing and the weather’s uncharacteristically warm. Simon has an errand to run at the Institute but agrees to meet Raphael afterward. He’s shocked to find Raphael waiting for him in a plain white tank top and jeans. He’s also surprised to see a plate with avocado toast and what smells like… yes, that’s definitely a turmeric latte on the table in front of Raphael. If Raphael trying out all the new, trendy flavors now that he can eat food again makes him look like a bit of a hipster Simon isn’t going to be the one to point it out to him. 

None of that is what stops Simon dead in his tracks about a foot away from the table, however. Simon isn’t staring at the food or Raphael’s clothing - his eyes are glued to the black mark on Raphael’s upper arm.

Raphael follows his gaze, confused until he catches sight of his soulmark. “Oh, that,” Raphael says. “It came back when they cured me. I had it before I turned, but… well, you know. Not that it matters - they probably aren’t even alive anymore.” 

Of course Raphael had a mark before. Why hadn’t he ever thought to ask about it?! Simon can’t take his eyes off of it, afraid it’ll disappear if he looks away and back again. He should say something. He needs to say something… but he can’t make the words come. 

He must look visibly distraught because Raphael’s brow furrows. “Simon? What’s wrong? If it’s about the mark, don’t worry about it. It isn’t like I’m going to go looking for them now or anything.” 

“It’s…” Simon starts, not sure why he’s so afraid. It shouldn’t change anything, but there’s still a certain weight to the knowledge. Simon knows Raphael’s still adjusting to his new life, and part of Simon is always mentally braced for the moment Raphael decides he wants to distance himself from the Shadow World - and by extension from Simon - for good. Simon isn’t sure Raphael will do what’s best for himself if he feels obligated to stay with him not out of love, but out of a universal bond. Deciding to walk away from a boyfriend would be one thing, but deciding to walk away from a soulmate… 

“You don’t have to look for them,” Simon finally manages. “We’re soulmates.” 

“Of course we are. I don’t need some ridiculous mark on my arm to tell me who I'm meant to be with. As far as I'm concerned, you're my soulmate, Si. I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather be with for the rest of my life." Raphael says, misinterpreting Simon’s words. Misguided or not, Simon thinks it’s probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to him and he’s so beside himself with love and acceptance that he almost forgets why they’re having this conversation in the first place. 

Raphael’s words ease something in Simon, quelling that initial fear that this new knowledge might change something between them. Knowing that Raphael would choose Simon, soulmate or not, makes his next words come that much easier. 

"No, I mean _we're soulmates_. That's my mark. At least, it used to be," Simon clarifies. 

Raphael nearly chokes on his toast. “What?” 

Simon doesn’t answer, already pulling out his phone and going through his Facebook photos until he finds the picture of him from high school captioned: ‘Alright, which one of you unfortunate souls are stuck with me forever?’ with a focus on the soulmark that used to be on his arm. 

The one that matches Raphael’s perfectly. 

Raphael takes the phone and stares at the mark for a very long time. 

"I know neither of us needed marks to tell us we're meant to be, but there's a certain comfort in knowing the universe agrees with you, isn’t there?" Simon says, mostly to fill the silence. Raphael still hasn’t said anything and because Simon is, well, Simon, he starts to ramble. “This doesn’t have to mean anything, though. I know you love me, but if there’s ever a point you don’t want to stay with me, I don’t want you to just because of this,” Simon says, motioning to the phone Raphael still holds in his hands. Even though Raphael just said he wants to spend the rest of his life with him, in light of recent developments this is still something Simon feels like he needs to say, just in case. 

“Me? Not want to stay with you?” Raphael scoffs. “You're the one who didn’t sign up for a relationship with a mortal.” 

Simon smiles softly. “I signed up for a relationship with you. I fell in love with you. _You_ , not your-” Simon pauses, finally unrooting himself from the floor to sit in the chair across from Raphael, lowering his voice in case anyone is close enough to overhear. “-your immortality. And I’ll always choose you, even when it means sitting here and suffering the smells of the world’s strongest turmeric latte known to mankind.” 

“Even if I’m going to grow old without you?” Raphael asks, his voice much softer now, his eyes not quite meeting Simon’s. Simon can tell he wasn’t the only one thinking about this lately even if neither of them brought it up before now. 

“You’re going to grow old _with_ me,” Simon corrects. “I might not age but I’ll still be there every step of the way. If you let me.” 

“I might allow it,” Raphael says, but the smile pulling at the corners of his lips betray his attempted coyness. 

Just like that, things are fine again. Not that they were ever _not_ fine, but now there isn’t any doubt in Simon’s mind. Simon isn’t sure why he dreaded this talk for so long, he should’ve known that it’d be just like everything else between the two of them: as easy and instinctive as the steady rise and fall of Raphael’s chest.

“And you won’t have to worry about the lattes,” Raphael adds. “This is horrid and I’m never going within 10 feet of one ever again. The avocados we might have to start keeping at home, though.” 

Home. Raphael’s never called it that before - ‘the apartment’, or sometimes ‘our place’, but this is the first time he’s called it _home_. 

The word feels like the final piece of a puzzle finally clicking into place, and the ease Simon felt moments before is nothing compared to the way everything in him settles now, completely and perfectly content. 

\---

The second best thing to happen to Simon Lewis was losing his soulmark, a fact he can state with absolute certainty because it led him to the _best_ thing to happen to him. 

It led him to Raphael. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you're curious, the soulmark looks like [ this](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/692160656929194045/750503712811778118/moon-free-clipart-vector_9427.png)!
> 
> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell)! <3 )


End file.
